There are times in history when we get paralysed
by what the world throws at us. As I write, it feels like one of those moments.
As another month passes, life become less
surreal as we adapt into a new norm. It makes me question my soul when hundreds
of lives are lost each day and yet it is no longer shocking. This can’t be
right surely? Yet until a vaccine is found, we are held to ransom by a horrific
invisible that is outsmarting us.
When we are told to prepare for a new normal that
could see social distancing in place for many months, we should remember that
preserving life isn’t the same as living life……a distinction that goes to the
heart of being human.
And not living life has created behaviour that
leads me to question if I am having some kind of mid-life crisis. There is
clear evidence to support this:
- Just
because we’re in a pandemic doesn’t mean you can just ‘facetime’ people without
a heads up. It’s like living in the wild west. It’s total anarchy out there. Hell
hath no fury like a middle aged man being mildly inconvenienced.
- If
you shout at a jogger for long enough they will admit they don’t have to look
at their watch every 5 seconds.
- I
uttered the words "I'm going to hoover my way out of this bad mood"……and
it worked.
-
I
hate (with a passion) the faux chummy way people refer to the Prime Minister as
“Boris”. They should use his full name or call him “Johnson”, unless, of
course, they’re actually his friend.
- When
the lockdown was eased partway through the month and unlimited exercise including
playing sport with family members was given permission, I was just one click
away from ordering goal-keeping gloves in my wife’s size.
-
I
found myself actually agreeing with something Piers Morgan said. I was mortified.
- I
counted my ties (I have 32) and concluded that I only wear 5 of them. I vowed
to make mixing the tie selection up far more a key priority after lockdown.
- I
considered (for way, way too long) how ironic it is that locksmiths are not considered
‘key’ workers.
- I
congratulated myself that the song ‘Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car’ by
Billy Ocean is the only ‘pop’ song which (correctly) argues that without
reliable transportation, there can be no romance. A great point argued
perfectly.
Despite the above, I think I have dodged the
mid-life crisis bullet if I stand by my new philosophy……‘an abnormal reaction
to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour’. Normal I am then.
Pretty useful to remember me thinks.
Aside from dodging a mid-life crisis, here is
how I got a little light relief in May 2020……
The Numbers
Aside from the horrific stats and numbers we
are presented with at the Downing Street 5:00pm briefing each day (which should
be renamed ‘The Kuenssberg-Peston Show’ – what shameful journalism they provide),
there are quite astonishing numbers being rolled out daily……many of which come from
Number 11. I know I have a unique lifelong obsession with numbers, but we are
unlikely to see the likes of these again in my lifetime in the UK and their enormity
is difficult to digest. Here are a few ‘stand outs’ from our own shores during May
2020:
The jobs of more than 10,000,000 people are
being bankrolled by the Treasury during the coronavirus pandemic at a cost of £21
billion. The number of employees who have been furloughed rose by 25%
to 8.4 million (27% of all employed people). Another 2.3
million self-employed workers have applied for the Government’s income
support scheme. The Institute for Fiscal Studies estimates it will end up costing
£100 billion by October. Ouch.
At the same time the Treasury has granted more
than 43,000 businesses nearly £9 billion in coronavirus business
interruption loans to help them through the period of economic disruption. A
further £19 billion has been granted in ‘bounceback’ loans to 608,000
small businesses. Let’s hope there is plenty of bounce.
To fund this, the Government borrowed more
money in a month than the total of the previous financial year as borrowing
surged to £62 billion (the highest monthly figure on record). The UK’s total
debt now stands at £1.9 trillion - about £28,000 per person in
the UK. As the 6th largest economy in the world, that level
of debt is a very ‘difficult’ number to digest (think liver covered in marmite).
The UK's inflation rate fell to 0.8% on
the back of falling petrol / diesel prices (filling the car up – remember that!!!)
and lower energy bills.
More than 1.8 million mortgage holders have
taken advantage of payment holidays since March, which is around 1 in 6 mortgages.
The mortgage breaks will cost homeowners a combined £821 million in extra
interest……little wonder the banks have been keen to extend the payment ‘holiday’
beyond 3 months!
The UK made just 197 cars during the
month as manufacturing ground to a halt.
Residential property sales in the UK hit their
lowest monthly level since records began – 38,000.
28 million people tuned in for
BoJo's stuttering pre-recorded statement to the UK to explain lockdown
loosening (when I say “explain”……that should have read “confuse greatly”). This
was 14 million more viewers than watched the Queen's address
commemorating the 75th anniversary of VE Day.
The Government and Premier League spent most of
the month bickering on whether football should return. I guess it is entirely
natural that a league with 12,000 employees, 100,000 jobs in
linked industries which contributes £3.3 billion annually in tax revenue
to the exchequer wants to get going. ‘Entirely natural’, that is, if you park
the fact of the increased risk of infections and death for those involved. But it’s
football though……so that justifies anything. Apparently.
The day after the UK death toll passed 30,000,
the British Media respectfully encouraged us all with shameful speculating of
lockdown easing…..
Congratulations to the Astronauts who left
Earth and arrived at the International Space Station……in just 19 hours! Leaving
earth seems like a pretty good choice right now.
The Comedy (The Trump)
As much as I have tried to find an alternative
source to The Trump for my light comedy relief, I have to admit defeat as I have
exhausted my options. The simple fact is nobody can touch The Trump for
consistent, high quality and frequent lunacy. He really is the leader in his
field.
Instead, it seems fitting for there to be acknowledgement
of the efforts that many are making to compete with his idiocy. The stupid live
amongst us and deserve to be fully recognised for their efforts.
Recognition #1: Professor Ferguson
In the middle of the biggest crisis to engulf
the country, here is a professor with what seems to be the most accurate coronavirus
model in the world……yet he had to resign because of his need of helping a
certain lady to have an extra-marital relationship (breaking lockdown rules……not
marital rules apparently).
His excuse was that he thought he was immune
from COVID-19 after having it……despite there being no scientific proof that
people who have had it actually get immunity. And this guy is the number one 'expert'
whom the Government is basing its entire coronavirus strategy. Lunacy for sure.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 4 / 10
Recognition #2: Elon Musk
Tesla boss Elon Musk wiped $14 billion off the
carmaker's value after tweeting "Tesla stock price too high in my opinion".
And the kicker was……it also knocked $3 billion
off his own stake in Tesla as investors promptly bailed out of the company.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 6 / 10
Recognition #3: Steve Mnuchin
As Secretary of the Treasury and part of The
Trump’s cabinet, Steve Mnuchin clearly has an advantage in rubbing shoulders
with the best. It appears he is a quick learner.
A social media spat broke out between him and the
lead singer of Guns N’ Roses (Axl Rose). It started with Mr Rose tweeting to
his 1.2m followers: "It’s official! Whatever anyone may have previously
thought of Steve Mnuchin he’s officially a XXXX”. Around an hour later Mnuchin fired
back "What have you done for the country lately?"
A decent response……which was accompanied by a
flag……which on closer inspection wasn't actually the Stars and Stripes but the
Liberian flag (those great US friends). Priceless.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 5 / 10
Recognition #4: Steve Coogan
It’s amazing how many rich and powerful people
choose not to grasp the serious moral issue at the heart of the Government’s furlough
scheme. Does the comedian Steve Coogan (apparently worth around £10 million)
really need to furlough his gardener and housekeeper at his £4 million house in
the country?
Does he really need to claim what must be a
piffling sum to him of maybe £8,000, when he could easily pay out of his own
pocket?
Or should we see this type of furloughing for
what it really is……a benefit that is being misused……which is on a par with
benefit fraud?
For wealthy people to take Government money
when they could do without should be viewed as a crime at a time of national
crisis. At best it is morally corrupt.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 6 / 10
Recognition #5: Dominic Cummings
Hand on heart, who hasn't ever driven seven
hours up the A1 to visit aged parents when infected with a lethal virus that
disproportionately targets the elderly? Or driven a car for an hour or two to
picturesque Teesdale on the day of your wife’s birthday to determine if your
eyesight is good enough to……errrr……drive a car. We’ve all been there right?
Perhaps the most disturbing aspect was that the Government worked harder to safeguard one man’s job in 3 days than it has to protect frontline workers and care home residents in three months. MP’s were falling over themselves to protect Dom.
“We've never told people where they have to specifically locate themselves,” said the man who clearly told people where they have to specifically locate themselves.
Even BoJo pitched up with……“he followed the instincts of every father and every parent. He has acted responsibly, legally and with integrity.” Quite how BoJo would know what a responsible father would do is more than a little intriguing.
Ultimately, if the person who helped set the rules can break the rules, why should anyone else stick to the rules. If a second peak comes, we know where the apathy started.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 8 / 10
Recognition #6: Pick For Britain
Priti Patel informed us on the 18th May
that closing our borders and ending free movement will play a vital role in the
UK’s economic recovery. Or to put that another way……immediately stop those
European lot from coming over here and pinching our jobs.
24 hours later……the Government wheeled out MP George
Eustice and then Prince Charles to run a ‘pick for Britain’ campaign because we
only have a third of the usual workforce from Romania / Bulgaria / et al. You
couldn’t make this up.
If only we had millions of people being paid not
to work by the Government who would be free for work. Ah……
Trump Lunacy Rating: 6 / 10
Recognition #7: Priti Patel
Priti Patel informed us that “from the 8th
June we are going to be quarantining travellers arriving in the UK as this is
the time when it will be most effective”.
I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that was March.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 8 / 10
Recognition #8: BoJo
In addressing the nation, BoJo unveiled the new
Covid-19 message was ‘Stay Alert’. Stay Alert? The 1970’s Green Cross Code campaign
offered a more direct warning when crossing the road than ‘Stay Alert’ during a
pandemic.
And if that wasn’t enough, BoJo informed us
that if it wasn’t for our lockdown actions “it could’ve been a catastrophe.” On
the same day that we reached 32,000 deaths. Again, I’m no expert, but I’m
pretty sure that 32,000 deaths (and counting) is a catastrophe. Or is it just
me?
Trump Lunacy Rating: 9 / 10
The Winner
Whilst all of these acts of complete stupidity
are worthy contenders for gross idiocy that are right up there with The Trump, there
can only be one winner this month……
The Trump!
And it’s a beauty……
Having made the wearing of face masks a legal
requirement in the US, The Trump visited a face mask production factory to
emphasise and publicise the fact. You see, it’s what great leaders do……they
lead by example.
Yet he and his advisers forgot to do that one
thing they were there to promote……wear masks.
And the cherry on the cake……the footage his advisers
released for the media had a background tune being played in the factory of ‘live
and let die’. It's worth a minute of your time, it really is.
He really does set the standards for the stupid
among us to aspire to. It really is priceless stuff from the most powerful man in
the world.
He really does bring light to my darkest of days.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 10 / 10
And Finally……
Human kindness has never weakened the stamina
or softened the fibre of people.
(Franklin D. Roosevelt)
No comments:
Post a Comment