As another month passes, life becomes even more
surreal as we are now ‘allowed’ to do normal things but in an abnormal way. Yet
until a vaccine is found, we are held to ransom by a horrific invisible that is
outsmarting us and ‘abnormal’ is now the new ‘normal’.
During lockdown we were given clear guidance on
what we were permitted to do. It was brutal and there were many frustrations
but the rules of the game were clear. July has seen the game move to a
different playing field and I’m not convinced we all know the rules of the game
anymore. The fall back position should be simply to apply common sense……but it
seems in short supply.
Just how did we get so quickly from ‘Stay At
Home’ to ‘Stay Alert’ to ‘Half Price at Wagamama’? Scary stuff.
One thing is for sure, the virus has robbed us
of many things and it continues to rob us of any certainty.
My own quest for certainty on whether my ‘potential’
midlife crisis is confirmed has taken a new twist. The thing is, as a gangly
middle aged runner in ill-fitting ‘just do it’ apparel, I know the key to
knocking those long miles off is to let your mind wander free……and before you
know it you’re 5 miles from home and convinced that you could have been Zola
Budd in another life. Strongly convinced.
It is that freedom of thought that has caused
the ‘issues’ and led me to that great medical journal of the experts (Wikipedia)
that defines a midlife crisis as:
The phenomenon of 45 to 55 year olds
having a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person's
growing age, inevitable mortality and possibly lack of accomplishments in life.
So, with great enthusiasm to prove the theory
wrong, I have spent my miles of uncomfortable hobbling thinking of all of my accomplishments
during July.
* I successfully defined ‘snoring’ as basically
just bragging that you're asleep.
* I concluded that the term ‘righty’ has never
taken off and had the same success as ‘lefty’.
* I navigated the wild west experience of forgetting
my supermarket shopping list but returning home to find I'd successfully bought
everything. Repeat……EVERYTHING! I also remembered to take enough reusable bags
and saved myself at least 90p. It was pretty much the perfect performance and
set a new ‘personal best’ for me.
* I found out that HP Sauce’s full name is the Houses
of Parliament Sauce after it was served there in 1895. It still carries a
picture of the building on the bottle label. You will impress any waiter / waitress
by sharing this knowledge. Guaranteed.
* I’m not going to judge anyone else's
mask-skills but I have mastered mouthing “bloody idiot” without getting caught to
anyone not wearing a mask.
* I achieved my highest ‘adult Tetris’ score by
successfully negotiating all recyclable items into the wheelie bin and managing
to get the lid closed. It’s taken 15 years but I think we can all agree that adult
Tetris is now complete.
* It is no longer necessary to put on your best
aftershave to see a doctor or dentist now that there are more social situations
available.
And finally…….my gift to you all……
* Percentages are reversible. 8% of 25 is the
same as 25% of 8 – one way is normally much easier than the other. You’re very
welcome.
The
virus has paused life as we know it in many ways and offered an opportunity for
self-reflection and self-improvement. I think we can all agree that this is a
hefty list of accomplishments for any month by any person. Take that midlife
crisis.
The Numbers
Aside from accomplishing so much in July, the
numbers continue to be big, scary and surreal. Here’s a few for thought……
Chancellor Rishi Sunak gave his Summer
Statement, which felt more like a mini-budget. Rishi’s tie was off centre but
what a suit he wore. So beautifully fitted. Rishi announced £30 billion of
support in his Summer Statement. UK public spending on the battle against
coronavirus has now risen to nearly £190 billion, according to latest
Treasury figures. This is around £3,000 for every person in the UK and
more than the entire planned health budget for 2020-21.
Despite recent economic activity increasing and
positive monthly data supporting this, the UK economy stands 24.5% smaller
than it was in February.
The US economy shrank at a 32.9% annual
rate for the last 3 months as the largest economy in the world grappled with
lockdowns and spending cutbacks during the pandemic. It was the deepest decline
since Government records began in 1947 and three times more severe than the
prior record of 10% set in 1958.
To contradict this, US companies hired staff at
a record rate last month. The world’s largest economy added 4.8 million
jobs and the hiring spree was the largest recorded since 1939.
EU leaders struck a deal on a huge
post-coronavirus recovery package involving €750 billion in grants and
loans to counter the impact of the pandemic in the 27-member bloc. It is the
biggest joint borrowing ever agreed by the EU.
Sterling has enjoyed its biggest monthly rise (6%)
against the dollar for a decade after mounting concerns about the economic outlook
for the US.
Bank of England figures showed that personal
finances had improved during the lockdown. Households had added more than £57
billion to bank accounts during the first three months of lockdown and paid
off over £10 billion in unsecured debt.
Mortgage approvals fell to a new low as lending
slumped to its lowest level on record. For perspective……mortgage approvals for
the month were 70% lower than in the weakest month during the financial
crisis.
To contradict this, house prices bounced back
in July by climbing 1.7% during the month compared to a 1.5% fall
in June (according to the Nationwide).
UK retail sales were near pre-lockdown levels as
the reopening of shops released pent-up demand. The amount of goods sold last month
increased by 13.9% compared to June. Online sales continue to be robust,
accounting for £3 out of every £10 spent by consumers.
Brexit (remember that?) came back on the menu as
the political squabbling gained pace. The main topics have been fishing and
border checks. I appreciate that fishing is a big deal to many but in terms of
contribution to the economy it is small. For some non-political perspective, Fishing
provides £1.4 billion contribution to the UK economy……compared to Football
(£7.6 billion), Aviation (£22 billion) and Arts (£23 billion).
If you take the US software giant Microsoft and
the so-called Faang stocks (Facebook, Amazon, Apple, Netflix and Google) they
account for more than 21% of the US stockmarket. Those six stocks are now
worth more than any other stockmarket in the world except those of the US and
China.
The Comedy (The Trump Award)
There has been quite a feast of stupidity this
month to gorge on and light relief from virus reality has been in abundance.
The key to The Trump’s success in the field of
idiocy is simply consistency. High quality stupidity applied numerous times
with the confidence of a gladiator is what it takes. And repeat. And repeat.
I said last month that I have always secretly
believed that Government ministers, because they are Government ministers, must
have something……oh, you know……‘special’ about them. Well, given that three of
this month’s list appeared last month, it is a ‘Trump’ kind of ‘special’ we
should be bracketing them with.
Recognition #1: Rishi Sunak
I was genuinely excited for the Summer
Statement. A time for Rishi, with his immaculate hair and perfect face
moisturising regime, to take the economic bull by the horns and deliver like
only a PM in waiting can.
What we actually got was a speech full of BoJo
waffle and Trump substance. So disappointing.
Whilst there were a few titbits for the housing
market and hospitality sector, the big announcement was the ‘eat out to help
out’ scheme allowing £10 per head off a meal and sugary drink on a Monday to Wednesday
during August.
In one statement, our Government literally turned
into Groupon. What next – free entry to Alton Towers? 24 hour ice cream vans?
And Rishi is meant to be the clever one!
By the time the cardigan wearers poured over
the “£30 billion package”, it turned out to be more like £12 billion of
additional spending with the rest reallocated from previously planned projects.
One thing seems certain……to combat the huge
economic shock The Government will need a bigger lifeboat than this package announced.
Bring on the Autumn Budget……and quickly.
Let’s hope all those people eating in enclosed
spaces doesn’t cost them more than £10 a head!
Trump Lunacy Rating: 7 / 10
Recognition #2: Stanley Johnson
We were advised to only travel to Greece for “essential
travel” only.
Except if you are BoJo’s father……who decides
that the guidance doesn’t apply to him and flies to Greece via Bulgaria to
ensure his property is CV-19 proof before summer lettings. I mean, we’ve all
been there right?
On the one hand, you would commend his
initiative in finding a route to Greece without flying directly. On the other, I
am not sure the UK can ever apologise enough to Bulgaria and Greece for
inflicting Stanley Johnson on them.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 6 / 10
Recognition #3: Matt Hancock
I miss the 5 o’clock daily Downing Street
briefing for the chance to watch Matt Hancock be……well……Matt Hancock. He’s the
kind of guy at the office party that you don’t want to get stuck with, has half
of his lunch down his tie and who gives his mum a strong handshake on her
birthday. Yet here he is by a series of accidents to determine if we continue to
exist or not.
The key to this existence we are told is the test
and trace programme (remember that?) rolled out by the Department of Health. Yet
he has conceded that the initiative to trace contacts of people infected with
Covid-19 was launched without carrying out an assessment of its impact on
privacy.
Or to put that another way, it breaks GDPR data
law which we must all abide by.
Surely the starting point for any personal
information is (a) how to we protect it and (b) what are the laws which we must
work within?
At best this is absolutely amateurish……but that
pretty much sums up Matt Hancock also to be fair.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 8 / 10
Recognition #4: Michael Gove
Asked about reports the Government had bought
land in Kent to build a large lorry park as part of preparations for the significant
post-Brexit border checks, Gove said: "It is not our intention to create a
massive concrete lorry park.” When pushed again he said “there are no plans to
build a lorry park at Dover”.
Which makes it all the more intriguing to read
that the Government has purchased 27 acres in Kent that is to be fenced off
with an access road for 10,000 HGV’s.
But it’s definitely not a lorry park. Definitely.
Call me insane, but is it too much to ask that
our MP’s tell the truth? Just a thought.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 6 / 10
Recognition #5: BoJo
Hat’s off to BoJo……he gave it a real stab this
month. The Trump’s success and mastery is making up stuff to mix in with the stupidity
and deliver with bewildering confidence. It’s a strong ask of anybody but BoJo should
be recognised as a serious contender for the crown in the future and he has
gone above and beyond in reinforcing that the stupid really do live amongst us.
Let’s take a closer look at this outstanding
performer:
Example 1: BoJo gave a Downing Street briefing
in mid-July in which he said:
“Every week, NHS test
and trace gets better every week".
Fact Checked: The proportion of people reached
and asked to self-isolate in England has fallen every week since the scheme was
launched.
Example 2: In the same briefing, BoJo said:
“We have substantially
increased the pipeline of personal protective equipment [PPE] for the NHS and
social care constituting over 30 billion items of PPE over the course of the
pandemic".
Fact
Checked: The Government figures show that only 2.3 billion
items have actually been delivered to health and social care services in
England. This missing 28 billion? On order apparently!
Example 3: Again in the same briefing, BoJo said:
““Publicly available
data suggests we are now carrying out more tests than anywhere else in
Europe".
Fact Checked: Denmark and Luxembourg carried
out substantially more tests per capita.
This is classic stuff that is not really seen
other than during The Trump’s press briefings. And just to acknowledge his admiration
for him, BoJo wore a mask for the first time for press shots around 12 hours after
The Trump wore his. Subtle. Really subtle.
And then came the heavy weight stupidity from
BoJo when issuing guidance on mask wearing. Classic stupidity in fact.
Firstly, we were given a 10 day window before the
new mask rules became compulsory. Presumably the virus was on holiday for that
period? It’s like breaking glass on my living room floor but not wearing shoes
or clearing it up for 10 days.
Secondly, we were given the most complicated
set of rules and guidance for wearing face masks and I have yet to meet anyone
that truly understands them. You would be forgiven for wearing a mask at home just
in case. Here’s an example:
I go to a café for a coffee. The server doesn’t
need to wear a mask. I can order without wearing a mask. If I decide to sit inside
in the enclosed higher risk space, I don’t need to wear a mask. If I decide to
take the coffee away and be in the lower risk outside, I then need to wear a
mask.
Where is the logic let alone scientific
reasoning?
You can imagine my panic and confusion if I chuck
in a cheeky dark chocolate and raspberry tiffin into the order. I have absolutely
no idea what I’m meant to do……flummoxed in fact. It is literally total mayhem out
there.
It's crazy, contradictory and stupid. Idiocy in
fact.
High quality stupidity – check.
Applied numerous times – check.
With the confidence of a gladiator – check.
Commendable efforts from BoJo and he really sets
the standards for the rest of us to follow in the UK. He now needs to apply
this performance again and again. He definitely has potential for The Trump’s crown
for sure.
Impressive stuff.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 9.5 / 10
The Winner
For consistency, originality and perfect
application, this month’s Trump Award for commitment to lunacy was again an easy
choice……The Trump.
He’s served up a menu in your favourite
restaurant that you have had a hundred times. But it is not until you have
tried eating elsewhere that you can truly acknowledge the quality of the
efforts. Damn it……it was actually admirable.
Amuse-bouche
The Trump was asked by a reporter about the
case of Ghislaine Maxwell, the British socialite who was charged this month by
US authorities with sex-trafficking children for her ex-boyfriend (convicted
sex offender Jeffrey Epstein).
Rather than distance himself from the horrible
story, The Trump said: “I just wish her well, frankly. I've met her numerous
times over the years, especially since I lived in Palm Beach”.
A classic appetizer.
Starter:
The Trump claimed in an interview that the US
has had the lowest mortality rate during the pandemic and that “the US was the
envy of the world.”
Fact Checked: At the time, the US had 140,000
deaths linked to Covid-19, which put it amongst the top 10 per capita.
Main Course:
The Trump boasted about his mental fitness during
an interview by explaining the results of a cognitive test he took. His description
is simply amazing.
Ladies and gents, I present to you, the President
of the United States of America and the most powerful man in the world……! What
a guy!
(Start at 2:18)
Desert:
The Rolling Stones threatened to sue The Trump
for using their songs at his campaign rallies without permission. The Trump hit
back, claiming the Rolling Stones were being very “Un-American”.
Really? Somebody should really tell him surely!
Cheese Board:
On a day that the US Government appealed for
people to socially distance and to strongly consider wearing masks, the Trump took
to Mount Rushmore to deliver his Independence Day speech in front of 7,500
people where there was no social distancing or mandatory face masks present……contradicting
his own Governments guidance in the process.
Cognac:
The Trump has been strongly against face masks
since April. He even made a statement against wearing a mask: "I don't
think I'm going to be doing it. Wearing a face mask as I greet presidents,
prime ministers, dictators, kings, queens - I just don't see it."
Fast forward 3 months as the US hit a record
for daily infections and masks became mandatory in many states he said: "I'm
all for masks. I have no problem with wearing a mask publicly and I sort of
like how I look like the Lone Ranger”.
A classy menu served by a classy technician. Perfection.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 10 / 10
And Finally……
“Success is not final; failure is not
fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
(Winston S. Churchill)
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