Summer is over. Winter is terrible. Winter is Mamma Mia. Autumn is the trailer for Mamma Mia. Somehow the trailer contrives to con you that it might actually be mildly bearable but with a strong sense of existential dread at the horrors to come.
Or perhaps the horrors have already started in Autumn?
Facebook and Instagram were down for a day and you would have thought the world was going to explode. If that wasn’t enough, the country then went into meltdown over Bake Off’s first vegan baker using butter and eggs to make malt loaf.
Then a 151 page report was released telling us that BoJo was late to lock down, that test and trace ultimately failed and that vaccinations have been an astonishing success. I’ll leave you to ponder if it was merely a coincidence that BoJo scarpered off on holiday as the horror report into his handling of the Covid pandemic was released, leaving poor cabinet members to take one for the team.
Current covid numbers are a horror show and flu will shortly be hitting……yet systems and people feel so blasé about it. Just because we want it to be finished doesn't mean it is.
And let’s not get started on the whole petrol shortage fiasco. The Government told us that it wasn’t a shortage of petrol but a supply issue. It’s like saying to a diver that there’s not a shortage of air it’s just not in your tank. The simple fact is, you can’t say there’s not an issue with petrol and then call in the army!
We were also told that it’s got nothing to do with us leaving the EU……but remarkably they have no issues with fuel! Well, if it has nothing to do with leaving the EU then why are we relaxing Visa rules?
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, our broken sewerage system is dumping raw waste into our coastline. We are told that it will cost £600 billion of public money to fix but in 1988 we were sold the water privatisation dream on the basis that the industry would use private investment to fix it. After 30 odd years, it might now be the time to admit we have a broken model.
When the country desperately needs a serious, competent, honest Prime Minister, we basically have an after dinner speaker. James Bond seems the only civil servant we can rely on.
The Numbers
The backdrop to the numbers was dominated by the Budget this month. Now, I know I need to get out a little more but the Budget has been my Christmas since adulthood arrived. The rumours and anticipation before that delivery of gifts at the dispatch box……the best day of the year.
But it’s all changed this year. Rumours have been replaced by leaks of factual changes and there are few surprises by the time of the speech. It’s like opening Christmas presents when you know exactly what each gift is. You try to show forced joy and excitement but the feeling is flat.
Having said that, Rishi was suave and commanding and I hung on to his every word like my life depended on it. Has any man ever worn a suit better? Has any man ever been a more obvious choice for the next James Bond?
“Let there be no doubt that the plan is working. Today’s Budget delivers a stronger economy.” A bold statement from Rishi.
And the starting point……Rishi cancelled a planned increase in alcohol duty, which he says will cost a significant £3 billion! Is that a sensible fiscal priority?
There are the usual winners and losers but overall it was more generous than expected. It was a very broad ranging Budget speech, even getting into worldwide UK visa systems for immigration. It’s almost like he was trying to show he's positioning himself as the number one minister or ‘prime’ as some call it.
He announced that the UK economy is expected to recover to pre-Covid levels by the turn of the year, with GDP expected to rise by 6.5% this year and 6.0% in 2022.
Job vacancies soared to a record high of almost 1.2 million, according to official figures, as employers hunted for staff to meet shortages brought on by Brexit and the pandemic. At the same time, 1 million came off the furlough scheme. Furlough became the biggest UK peacetime intervention in the jobs market at a cost to taxpayers of £69 billion. The bill rises to £97 billion when grants to the self-employed are included in the calculation.
Petrol prices hit a record high of 142.94p for a litre of petrol……meaning that a typical family car costs about £15 more to fill up than a year ago. This was on the back of oil hitting $83 a barrel (a 3 year high). Rishi announced a fuel duty tax rise was cancelled (thankfully!).
Inflation held steady at 3.1% but this doesn’t include recent energy price hikes. The Bank of England are predicting that inflation will top 5.0% in coming months and Rishi announced that it will average at 4.0% over the next year.
After the Government removed the earnings element of the ‘triple-lock’ guarantee, it means the basic State Pension will rise by 3.1% from April. This will still be the second highest increase for pensioners in a decade.
Elsewhere……
New car sales hit their worst level since 1998 by supply shortages. The figures were 44.7% down on the pre-pandemic 10 year average. Clearly the global shortage of computer chips has damaged the car sale sector massively.
The Road Haulage Association announced that there is a shortage of 100,000 drivers. The DVLA also announced that there is a backlog of 54,000 HGV licences waiting to be processed.
BoJo hailed his latest post-brexit trade agreement……with New Zealand. This amazing ‘chest thumping’ trade deal could boost UK economy by between 0.01% and - 0.01%. So it could boost the economy by a negative amount? What a win, this Government must be so proud. Terrific.
Trump of the Month
What a month to be alive……so many idiots and so much lunacy. I have genuinely found it difficult to reduce the volume of craziness to a short list. Many worthy and notable mentions……
The BBC news reported 263 deaths and 40,000 new covid cases……yet 2 minutes earlier labelled Rishi’s speech the “post Covid Budget.”
Kwasi Kwarteng (Business Secretary) claimed on the BBC that he was in talks with Rishi for bailout support for companies with very high energy use. This prompted a stinging slapdown from the Treasury: “This is not the first time the Business Secretary has made things up in interviews. To be crystal clear, the Treasury are not involved in any talks.” Quite the record correcting!
Leaks form the ‘Pandora Papers’ show that Tony and Cherie Blair saved £312,000 in stamp duty when they bought a £6.45 million office in London in July 2017. The couple bought an offshore firm that owned the building rather than buying the building directly. And here’s the thing……no laws were broken. At a time when we are living with the constant threat of tax rises that go too far for many on low incomes, perhaps we should get our house in order before thinking about tax rises.
NatWest is facing a fine of more than £300 million after becoming the first British bank to be criminally prosecuted for money laundering failures. NatWest pleaded guilty to the charges brought by the Financial Conduct Authority and admitted to three criminal charges for failing to properly monitor a Bradford based gold dealer. NatWest accepted funds including £264 million in cash without doing proper anti-money laundering checks. NatWest is the UK’s biggest bank for business customers……and is still 55% owned by taxpayers. So congratulations, you are the owner of a criminal enterprise. A proud moment.
Keir Starmer strutted around the Labour conference telling everyone to call him ‘Special K’……which is the street name for the illegal drug Ketamine. Blimey.
Appearing on the BBC, BoJo was questioned about his public health record. His response was absolutely amazing……
Even The Trump was in on the act when he launched his own social media platform called ‘Truth Social’. How ironic.
All are commendable and valiant efforts……but the Trump of the Month award goes to Jeremy Hunt.
Jeremy Hunt is Chairman of the Commons Health & Social Care Committee and produced the damning report this month on the Government’s handling of the pandemic. One of the key criticisms was that there was no contingency plan in place for the threat of a potential pandemic……and Jeremy Hunt was scathing on this point.
If you are going to be pointing the finger of blame, surely it should be at the Health Secretary in the preceding years leading up to the Covid outbreak.
Ladies and gentlemen……Jeremy Hunt was health secretary for six years between 2012 and 2018.
Insanity: an action that is stupid and likely to have extremely bad results.
No further questions your honour.
Trump Lunacy Rating: 10 / 10
And Finally……
The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.
Helen Keller
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